What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 00:28
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was scared of men, in general
I write beautiful poetry .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What are some prime examples of gibberish from the bible?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I think the readers, may guess!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
What do all Indian parents have in common?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Ive learnt so much.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But it wasn’t much.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
If women aren't shallow, why do most tall, good-looking men have girlfriends?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When she asked me how she looked .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And i lived it daily.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I said to her
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She found it foreign!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I could never make a relationship work though!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Put me off passion for life!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I have no regrets .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Comes on , in middle age.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I waited trembling.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
All the time i was locked up.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why did i forgive my father ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im still living with it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was seconnd youngest,
He knew the spot.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
What did i know ?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So whats the point in blame.
I will be 64.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My life is so biszare .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was very sick at this time too.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot live in the past .
We all went to grammer schools
I don,t even have a pension.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was 9 years of age.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We were not on the streets..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It was going to be , some day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was in good health!
She married twice! .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As i do to all so called friends.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She loved him until the end.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But ive been too sick for many years..
She wouldn,t have been !
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Would this be the day?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My family never makes their pension either.
But, we were locked up after school.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Who then, do I blame.?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
This is soul school!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So, i spoilt her more .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!